Decision: a determination arrived at after consideration

It has been a while since I wrote in the blog. I suppose it’s due to the busyness of being a caregiver. From the past months I have learned the meaning of observation, which is a skill I am cultivating regarding what to say and how to say it to my mother. This also involves acknowledging the sheer fear my mother is experiencing in losing herself.

She knows she is “losing it” regarding the functioning of her mind. She also is frustrated by the fact that the medical doctors and staff tend to refer to me for decision-making, which leaves her out the loop, so to speak. She responds to this by saying something like “they think I’m crazy; the doctor said call the daughter”. This happened today regarding a doctor appointment. She did not tell me but the when I called the office, I was told she called five times, either cancelling the appointment or calling to schedule one.

If I were to tell her this, she would say they were lying, a response she often gives when she has done something that puts her in a bad light.  I, however would believe the staff person I spoke to, as my mother called me at least ten times this morning about a matter, saying the same thing over and over.

I had hoped I would have more time before making a rather firm decision  regarding my mother. I wanted time to get my life matters in order before fully attending to hers. But now that I am noticing she is mentally deteriorating, deep consideration concluding to a big decision on my part needs to be made… and soon.

Should I leave my employment, as I have read many adult children do to care for their parents? Assisted living with a memory care element is too expensive for our combined pocketbooks, and while we started to look for those type of places, why look if is not affordable?  That leave us with moving in together, the more viable and reasonable solution. While that is a perfect solution for her, it would leave me completely engaged in her life, which would mean I would not have one. All my time would be sacrificed, even with the possible help of someone coming a few days a week and caring for her. I have to determine what to do.

This is a situation I have never experienced, with role-reversals from being the daughter to being the mother, and my mother being the child. I have no solution, but…

 I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.  Psalm 32:8

What instruction and guidance I need right now.

Last night before midnight I was awakened by severe pain in my stomach. As I stumbled to the bathroom, the pain became worse, and the result was it ‘coming out of both ends’, if you know what I mean. Was it something I ate that caused this, I wondered. When I told a friend, she said it could very well be stress. I must acknowledge I have a lot of stressors right now, but…

The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears. Psalm 18:1 & 6

Even as I felt there was a world war going on in my stomach, God heard my cries for help, and eventually the cold sweats ceased, and the rest of me calmed down, so I could go back to bed for some much-needed sleep.

I wish I could formulate an answer, but right now that is not possible. I have to go to the One who knows what is the solution, the best decision for both my mother and I.