In my life, so many things have been happening. As I wrote in the last post, retirement is planned for next month, in three days I will be travelling to spend a couple of weeks with my son, his girlfriend and soon-to-be born twin boys Elijah and Josiah, meeting family there. My book has been submitted for editing and eventual publishing, finances are in order, and on and on it goes. I feel so blessed and happy that it seems things are really turning around for me.

I went to see my mother. When I saw her she was in a sad state. She needed dry sheets. I went to the nurse’s station, and was told they were aware, and someone eventually came in the room and told her she was doing her rounds and would be there shortly. It didn’t seem to be a good enough of an answer for my mother, and later I found out the nurse washed her earlier, and my mother yelled at her for doing so. I gathered the dirty clothes, telling her I would return them tomorrow cleaned and ironed. I noticed that though a chest of drawers was available for her, the clothes were stashed in the closet, as my mother thought they were being stolen, and to put them there would be a safer place.

I didn’t stay long, I just wanted to leave, and as soon as possible. I felt guilty for feeling that way. My life at this point was going so well, while her’s…

I got in my car and sat in silence. What can I do at this point? I felt guilty for going to the dentist, guilty of having a car to drive , guilty of not being able to help her, guilty that my mind was intact, while her’s was quickly deteriorating.

What do you do when you’re in a quandary like this one?

Keep living. I have to instill in myself to enjoy what I have, continue being a caregiver as best I can, and continue to be the listening ear my mother so desperately needs. Getting meds increased I do not believe at this point in time will be much help; as forgetfulness has morphed into sheer confusion, increasing medicines may not help at this juncture. The disease is what the disease does, and the best I think I can do is just be there. There have to be parameters set, like not taking a phone call at 3:30 a.m., and continue to keep answers to her questions straight and simple, not involved and long. I have enough experience to know that she will not remember what I told her anyway, and tomorrow the same questions will come.

The guilt continues to surround my mind with thoughts I care not ponder, yet it happens anyway. Prayer helps, and will continue. What about you, caregiver? How do you deal with feelings like this? I would live to hear your comments, and will post them, as I believe it would be helpful to others who are going through the same.

For now all I can say is continue to live, whatever your life may be, accepting the bad and well as the good; enjoy living life while at the same time being a caregiver…continue to continue.