There was a post on my Facebook page that was so appropriate for today. It was from ibelieve.com:
Heavenly Father, You know every decision I need to make and every challenge I face. Please forgive me for the times that I try to figure this life out on my own. I need you, I need your holy spirit to give me strength, wisdom and direction. AMEN
I kept waking up during the night, and I knew each time I awakened I was dreaming about my mother. Needless to say I was tired when I woke up, and frankly I wasn’t in the best of moods. I prayed for a change of attitude, because I truly did not want to go to the home and visit her. But talking to her the night before and promising I would come today, I went on, but I wanted no arguments and no sarcastic remarks. I just wanted to get her clothes to wash and leave.
Before going to the home, I visited (on the advice of the social worker) another place just down the road. It was a nice place that had private rooms available, and upon seeing the room I knew that setup would be a perfect place for her; but I was told she would be deemed a private patient, which meant all monies would have to be paid by us, and on her monthly check alone, it was just too expensive. I stopped the tour and explained we could not afford it and left.
But by the time I got to the nursing home lunch was being served and I told my mother I would wait in her room. She returned and we talked about the checkbook, and after about 90 minutes she figured out what to do. Her lucidness was okay, no agitation on her part. Not long thereafter I left, agreeing to see her sometime on Monday.
I knew I looked sad or mad, or perhaps a combination of both. I was not upbeat and made no attempt to be encouraging to her, which added to the guilt I was already feeling of her just being in the facility. As I was driving home some thoughts came to mind:
- The process can become rather difficult when one focuses every moment on the issue at hand. The worry of ‘not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel’ does not change anything; it only makes life agonizing. And I have to admit, when this happens, I have forgotten what God has promised he will do for me if only I cast my care on him and believe he, not me, will work it out.
- When God is allowed to work out what I can’t resolve, and I purpose to praise and worship him, the peace is restored, the angst is gone, the stomach stops doing flip flops, and just maybe rest is gifted at night.
- I need to do some remembering of what God has promised, and what is required of me. If God has brought me through before, God will do it again.
Stop forgettingand start remembering.
So then the solution to this is in the form of a question:
What is the potential of ‘being all in’ when ‘you’re all out of answers’?
The next post will tackle this one. Stay blogged in…