“It’s only been two months; give yourself a break!” I was told by a counselor, who told me it has only been a few days over two months since my mother passed away. I further was told to reevaluate once the ‘firsts’ have been experienced: The first holiday, the first new year, the first Mother’s Day since her passing. If I could get through that, then see how I feel. Maybe during one of those experiences I may have a watershed moment. But for now, don’t worry about it, just go with the flow.

And what is that flow? Frankly, I don’t know. I feel not whole but empty. I am getting things accomplished, but I still don’t feel complete. For example, I was happy I got the headstone done (needed to have both my aunt’s and my mother’s name on one stone…long story), and I was pleased with how that came out. Today, after much going back and forth with my mother’s bank (another long story), that account is now closed, and I got all the bank statements downloaded in case I need them, so there is something else done. What needed to be donated had been done, and what I wanted to keep I have kept. And yet, it’s just the way I feel that isn’t right. So, what am I to do?

Since I don’t have much of an understanding of this, whatever I am feeling I have to give over to God. After all, He encourages us to

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6,7 NIV

I don’t know about all this, but He does. And when it is the best time, He will show me what is really going on. Whenever I feel a certain way that I can’t explain, I must immediately give over or cast it to him, taking the emotion off me. For now, I need to stop trying to figure it out, because that is not working for me.