It has been over a month since mom died. At times I still don’t believe it has happened, it seems like it is not real. When they closed the casket during the funeral, I thought that was pretty much final, and I thought I would fall apart, but for the most part I did not. At the gravesite was another type of finality and I thought I would emotionally lose it there. I didn’t. I just stared at the ground. Then came today: the insurance money arrived. Well, this is really the end, I thought, waiting for an inner reaction. I guess I did have one: I thought I would be happy seeing the check, but instead that made me feel sad. At the same time, all my reactions (or rather non-reactions) have me continually wondering just what is going on with me. I can honestly say I have no idea. I remember once this journey with dementia began with my mother, there were many times that I mentally said the way my mother was had died. She may still be alive, but the way I knew her is gone. I remember going through a type of grief then. Could it be that the grieving process (or at least the bulk of it) has already been experienced? I don’t know.

Sometimes I feel like David must have felt while he was praying, renting or tearing his clothes in agony over his son’s sickness. But when his staff questioned each other about how David would react to the news of his death, as recorded in 2 Samuel 12, starting with verse 19:

“Is the child dead?” he asked.

“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”

Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.

His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”

He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

Maybe this sums up how I feel about my mom’s passing. When David said “who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.” I thought that about my mother, even kept some of her winter coats just in case I needed them. But when the death happened, David in essence continued on with living life, even having a son thereafter, who was Solomon, a great king. For me, I donated the rest of her clothes and her coats, and it didn’t bother me to do so.

There are times I stare out into space, wondering what to do next. I am happy to be writing again, and I looked at one of my unfinished books and reviewed it. This makes me happy. At least my creative writing skills haven’t dried up. I took one trip and look forward to doing more. I am happy that I feel there is more for me to accomplish. But if you have been through the bereavement process, I would love to read your comments. I think that would be a great help to me. In the meantime, I will continue to write, and hope you will continue to read my words…