I did not want to go see my mother. I wasn’t having a good day, and I didn’t want to go in a bad mood. But after talking to You about it, I decided I might as well go, as no one visits her but me.
I went and got her favorite, which is anything fried chicken, as well as sweet tea. As I made my way to her room, she was having lunch and was almost done. But she seemed to not be in the present. Frankly, I wasn’t sure if she knew who I was, but eventually she started to warm up to me. I noticed how much her right hand was shaking as she attempted to grab some food. It was something I had not noticed before.
She didn’t want the chicken, but she took the sweet tea. That was a first for me, not wanting the food, as I am used to her happily accepting anything I bring to her. Today, not so much. I could tell she was down, and since I got a call yesterday that she had a fall, she probably was a bit sore from that.
Though I tried to drum up some conversation, I could tell that was not going to work and I just wanted the floor to open up so I could disappear; it seems she would not have noticed anyway. I didn’t stay long. I told her I knew since she had just eaten that she would soon be taking a nap. While that was true, I knew I said that as a way of having a reason to leave.
I said my goodbyes and left.
The closer I got to my car, the more guilty I felt. I don’t know what to do anymore, and what I do doesn’t seem to work, at least not today. God, I need help with the way I am feeling. I feel bad for not wanting to go. I know why, because I don’t see my mother anymore. I see a shell of her. But at the same time, she is still alive, still breathing. I just don’t like how I feel regarding her; I have been living with these feelings for a while. Come October, together we have been dealing with dementia for at least seven years. I didn’t know what to do at the beginning when she was determined to stay independent while at the same time knowing something was mentally wrong with her, and now it’s 2022, and I’m still dealing with how I feel.
I don’t like it. I need your help.
You said to come to you with my burdens and give them to you, so I am doing that through this letter. Yes, I am thankful for all you have done and continue to do. You are not the issue; the problem of how to deal with this is my issue, and while I accept what has and continues to happen, I don’t like the way I am dealing with this.
I need your help. Please.